The Road Not Taken
by annyenil
Summary: My life revolved around Kuchiki Byakuya. I had long succumbed to that fact. Defeating him is my only goal, only dream, and so, the only thing that could be done about it ......What shall I do, Rukia, what shall I do?


**Author's Note**: This may seem like a very strange topic, but I still feel inclined to write it. After all, from past experiences, this is nowhere uncommon nor bizarre. Explore, explore the furthest depths of the human mind!

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

**The Road Not Taken**

By annyenil

"Hai, Wakarimaseka." I bowed at my taichou, Kuchiki Byakuya. Every waking of my life, I am constantly reminded of the times that he had defeated me. Of the times that he had made it difficult for me, and that feeling, that caustic sensation would ignite in my guts, egging me to go on, _go on and beat him._ It was how I pushed on. The sun is really warm today. Other Squad members had returned for the paperwork, I was the only one left in the courtyard practicing with the katana. Hisagi-san always said that it was important to train with the most basic skills even when we have achieved shikai or even bankai. Hisagi-san was never a didactic person, so his few wise words, I took to heart.

_Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
_

My life revolved around Kuchiki Byakuya. I had long succumbed to that fact. Defeating him is my only goal, only dream, and so, the only thing that could be done about it was to grit my teeth and go on further. It was easy, having only one burden, one goal, one soal purpose in life. It was something Madarame-san had told me. His life was simple, yet driven, because he had only path to walk, and the laden of ostensible choices and expectations was eschewed. But I know, I know it wasn't as simple as that, being a fukutaichou. Madarame-san always told me, I had too many burdens on my back. "See, you are carrying so many, so many upon your shoulders." He would slap on my shoulder "It makes you weak." But he, he had already made his _choice_.

_And both that morning equally lay  
In leaves no step had trodden black._

Responsibilities of being a fukutaichou, responsibilities of being a shinigami, responsibilities of being a man. I have no escape. The weakest part of me, though I hate to admit, is when I look upon Rukia's face, and find any emotion from her triggering a reaction in my own heart. How will I deal with it? I wouldn't hurt her, I wouldn't dare gaze at her shiny jet black eyes, I wouldn't say a word much. "Renji," She would say, "Renji." That was all she would say. That "Renji" contained so many words unspoken, I could only construe the rest of her message with my heart. Deep, deep down, I have known, that she was my only weakness.

_Yet knowing how way leads on to way,  
I doubted if I should ever come back._

It's unnerving. I thought as I slashed at the air before me. I could sense it; I could sens the changes within me. Do you know, Rukia, that my heart no longer flutters at the sight of you, no matter how hard I try to make it do like before? Do you know, Rukia, that your position in my heart will never alter, and yet-yet I do not know, what strange metamorphosis is occurring, brewing in my heart. A new menacing figure had encroached into my territory, besieged my heart. What shall I do, Rukia, what shall I do? Just merely the thought made me shiver in the sun. It was a warm afternoon but I knew that the warmth was not coming from the sunlight, but welling up from within me. I felt faint, and my actions were becoming swifter, quicker and fainter. My fingers were numb, but I would not stop, I would not allow myself to even think of that person……

_And be one traveler, long I stood  
And looked down one as far as I could  
To where it bent in the undergrowth._

That coiffure of long, black hair, so smooth, so elegant, so full of regality. I wonder, I truly wonder if all this while I had been a man chasing for the stars, but never reaching out, or had I been racing myself along the star reflected in the sea, running along the never-ending, winding shoreline, and never reaching the destiny, till a shadow comes along and obstructs the starlight. Perhaps I had taken too much notice about him. Perhaps I had been too focused on serving and, one day, overtaking him. Perhaps, somewhere deep down, I have become attached to his presence. Rukia, what would you do? How I wish I were somebody who could always be so certain that what he was doing was always right. So thin lines, such blurred lines. I stood, awaiting edification for my unspoken issue. Nobody knows, not a soul. Nobody knows, not even me. I couldn't let it happen.

_I shall be telling this with a sigh  
Somewhere ages and ages hence:_

Was I really to become _that_ kind of person? What will Rukia think of me? What will Ichigo think of me? What will my friends think of me? Why won't my heart stop thumping whenever he draws near? Sometimes, sometimes I frighten myself with the thought that I would be content serving him for life. I flouted myself, over and over. Ambition! Dream, Renji! Had I morphed into somebody unrecognizable by these unnecessary, despicable, _human_ feelings? And yet, standing before him, guarding him, gave me a sense of satisfaction. Standing behind him, trailing him, gave me a feeling of security. I castigated myself for these contemptuous thoughts. I was not a duplicitous man, but a choice, a choice must be made soon before it was all too late……

Kuchiki taichou, I am sorry, but I must leave, I simply must leave your side. If I stayed longer, the life and dreams of Abarai Renji would be eroded and eventually decompose into nothingness. By then, I would no longer be of any use to Soul Society, and I cannot allow that to happen. Do not worry for me, I know you wouldn't, for I will be making myself useful in another world.

I must leave, Rukia, to save myself. I cannot allow this to happen. If I had no control over my heart, then the best I could to is to rip it apart.

Sayonara, everyone.

_Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--_

* * *

Disclaimer: The poem interspersed throughout is The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost


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